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resources for grandparents caring for children |
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| Grandparenting issues What are they? How do they begin? Today’s grandparents often face very different situations from those of previous years. Just as society has evolved, so have the various roles that people play in that society. The role of grandparents is the one addressed by this document. By Maree Lubach, KinKare Send an email to Maree here |
The traditional notion of grandparents as elderly, mellowed, slower, retired people having Sunday lunches surrounded by loving, happy children and grandchildren is fast disappearing. Now that we are living longer and remaining more active, grandparents expect, and are able, to function at a higher level of physical and mental activity. The traditional notion of parents has also had a shift in paradigm. Parents these days usually go back to work very soon after the arrival of their children in order to provide the very best for their offspring, causing great pressure on themselves and their relationships. This evolution has increased stress levels and provides a culture in which government benefits, and increased family assistance, have been essential. It has also engendered a generation under extreme pressure, many of whom are unable to cope without external support, but consider it is beholden of them to do so. The nature of this support varies depending on the individual, their age, and/or circumstance. Unfortunately, our ruling bodies move slowly and have not been able to keep pace with the changes, nor deliver the resources needed to protect our children. For some, substances appear to give the necessary support; for others, getting out of the crisis area by going to work; and for still others, deciding to opt out of the rat-race totally. Unfortunately the most common cause is substance abuse. Our grandparents are probably least able to handle this as it is not part of their upbringing. They therefore turn to those in authority only to find that they too are ignorant of the behaviours of addicts. In fact, they are often even less knowledgeable than grandparents. Grandparents very often have learnt through living with the problem. Hence, we have a dramatic increase in the number of grandparents/relatives who are compelled to step in and provide for the children until such time as the parents can eventually manage. Most are under extreme financial hardship and emotional pain, have no recognition or assistance, and shoulder this burden without seeking help themselves, as they feel shame and guilt that this should happen in their family. Grandparents in this situation come in all sizes, shapes and roles. There are those who “baby sit” while the parents work; those who need to take on full-time parenting and those who have been told to “go away” lest they witness the outcomes of this “new society” and think poorly of their own children as a result. No matter the reason, grandparents on the whole are torn between the love they have for their own children, their love for their grandchildren and their own needs as they approach their latter years. Almost exclusively, they sacrifice themselves. Please find following some personal comments from the grandparents we represent and the implications which ensue. . . “I don’t understand what I have done to make her despise me so much … My friends all say that I spoilt her, but I can’t see that engendering so much hate. How can she bring up emotionally stable children, when she is not? What have I done? Where did I go wrong?” This lament by a member is so typical of a grandparent denied contact. The guilt and shame is almost unbearable until they realise how very many people are in the same situation. In her case, postnatal depression was blamed. In order for her to exercise the rights she has by law, she has been quoted in excess of $30,000. Because she waited hoping all would be resolved as her daughter regained health, she probably doesn’t have much hope of a solution. If she moved immediately, there was little chance an order could have been effectively enforced in any case. Those approaching their non-working years, if responsible and noting current government strategies, have accumulated assets and income for their retirement which precludes them from legal aid. The parents, often, have this luxury. Older people cannot regain this kind of expenditure. They are “disabled” when faced with expensive lawsuits and are usually unknowing as to how to go about the procedures anyway. Courts of law are frightening to most of our older generation. Therefore they give up. “I love my Mummy, but she’s not special.” Spoken by a five-year-old whose mother has not contacted her in three years. This adorable little girl was born with a drug addiction and was taken from her mother by the NSW authorities. She then had to spend weeks in hospital to be treated for the multiple injuries to her tiny body inflicted by the adults supposedly caring for her. For the last three years or so she has been cared for by her single grandfather who has gone without himself to provide private schooling for her. This amputee gains some assistance from the step-grandmother. I have heard people say that grandparents don’t have to take on the responsibility they do and should therefore not be entitled to taxpayers’ money. They are right; grandparents don’t have to take this on. What would you do for your grandchildren? Would you be happy to see government money go to parents who could allow their children to be so badly abused? Currently, this is happening as grandparents often will not wake sleeping dogs. When should the children finally have the security of knowing they are safe from harm? “Nanny, I can’t ring Kids Helpline anymore … the school told (Dept of Families Officer) and he took me home from school that day. My Mum was so angry with you; she won’t let me see you anymore.” An eight-year-old, who had to be taken from her mother and placed in the care of the grandparents through the Department of Families made this statement to her grandmother. At the time she had been returned to her mother, still under the care of the department, and was on a rare visitation with the grandparents. The child asked her grandmother if she could ring Kids Helpline. The grandmother was both relieved and concerned as the child had previously written a note indicating she wanted her life to end. She spent nearly an hour on the phone from the security and privacy of her grandparents’ house. The grandparents asked the school to allow their grandchild to contact the helpline during school hours if necessary. The FSO responsible for their granddaughter’s welfare became aware of this and the rest is obvious from her comment. Where can grandparents get help for their grandchildren? They can’t afford private psychologists. After an interminable wait, grandparents may eventually see someone partly qualified. The lack of experience is very soon picked up by the grandparents and some of the most common but embarrassing issues may never be dealt with. These situations are just a sample of incidences being faced by three types of grandparents in our group. There are so many more it would be impractical for me to list them all As a support group leader, I have had numerous phone calls from people whose children I will probably never meet because of the tyranny of distance, and because the grandparents are still suffering the isolation brought about by guilt and the feeling of being alone. KinKare desperately seeks assistance to bring at least a newsletter to these people. Some of their stories are so tragic I cry with empathy and the knowledge that I am unable to help. I have spoken to people whose children have been killed in car accidents and, because they were on single parents’ benefits, there is no insurance money for the children. (It is apparently not considered as an income and therefore not covered.) I have spoken to a lady (Italian in origin, who speaks only very broken English) whose daughter died from cancer after many months of fighting. The daughter had time to get her affairs together but after her death, her then husband decided he would only support the child they had together despite his promises. None of the four children are living with him, but he stipulates that his child is to live apart from the others. Luckily, there is another daughter who lives next door and can usually look after that child. The grandparents look after the other three with no financial support. Surely, with funds, this travesty of justice could be addressed. I have also spoken to grandparents who have both generations living with them but are the primary care givers. Centrelink cannot help as there is no way to prove that they are the carers under these situations. There are single grandparents who feel the inexplicable actions of errant children aided the demise of their partner. For every person in this position there is a different scenario. Some things, however, remain constant. All are older than they would wish to be with young ones to nurture. All are worried about what will happen to their charges if anything, even an overnight stay in hospital, should happen to them. All are worried about how to protect their loved ones legally when they are not here. All are angry that the “powers that be” and their own community (sometimes even other family members) have ignored the cries of their beloved children for so long. All really want to go “fishing” and come home to happy little grandchildren. All want justice to prevail. The situation, if found in third world countries, would be decried throughout the civilised world. We, however – the goodies – can pretend we have enough support in place to cover all contingencies and continue to turn a blind eye to drug abuse whilst our children are suffering. If you could possibly find it within your power to help, even in some small way, we would be very grateful.
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